Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died. Even now I know that whatever you ask God, God will give you.”

Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.”

Martha replied, “I know that he will rise in the resurrection on the last day.”

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will live, even though they die.”

…When Mary arrived where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died.”

 When Jesus saw her crying and the Jews who had come with her crying also, he was deeply disturbed and troubled. He asked, “Where have you laid him?”

They replied, “Lord, come and see.”

Jesus began to cry. The Jews said, “See how much he loved him!”

-John 11: 21-25, 32-36

 

Jesus had many friends with whom he spent time, sharing meals and conversations. The siblings Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were among his close friends; two of the gospels record visits by Jesus to their home in the town of Bethany. Their relationship took a tragic turn when Lazarus grew sick and died. When Jesus arrived in Bethany, he met each sister separately, yet their words to him are identical: “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

I always wonder how Mary and Martha said it. Weeping? Angry? Accusatory? Despairing? Softly? Yelling? Did each sister bring different emotions to the first meeting with Jesus, even though their words were the same? I’m sure they felt a whole lot of strong emotions, maybe even ones that seemed at odds with each other. People who are grieving can feel sad or angry, or relieved or peaceful, or confused or any sort of way. Sometimes we even feel several of those feelings all at once!

But then notice how Jesus lets his feelings show: Jesus cries. And see how the people around him respond: they don’t call him a sissy, tell him to man up, get embarrassed, or try to shuffle him off to cry somewhere that nobody else can see. They see his tears as an expression of his love for Lazarus.

In times of loss and grief, it’s okay to cry. Crying is a way to say “I love you.” (But also, you don’t have to cry and you certainly do not need to beat yourself up if you don’t cry.) There are often, more often than we might like, circumstances that bring us to tears for love of our family, friends, and neighbors. Like Jesus’ tears, our tears are evidence of love.

What a comfort it is to know that the Jesus we follow loves deeply enough to cry for us! He is no stranger to our deep pain and losses. He loves us. He cries for us.

There are a lot of good ways to show love to one another in times of loss, including death, job loss, divorce, empty nesting, sickness, loss of independence or mobility, and the many other ways we experience loss:

  • Send a note, whether via text, email, or snail mail
  • Make a concrete offer to help, like “send me a grocery list to shop for you” or “tell me when you need two hours of childcare, and I’ll be there.”
  • Cry with the one experiencing loss (but just be careful to not expect them to comfort you when you’re there to support them)
  • Don’t try to fix them– this isn’t a time to tell someone how they should feel or what they should do
  • Don’t rush them– every grief goes at its own pace and can’t be scheduled at convenience
  • Coordinate a meal, whether a home-cooked delivery or a Door Dash gift card
  • Keep including them– they may not be ready to rejoin book club or soccer practice right away, but keep reaching out unless they ask you to stop